98% Of Yachts Are Haunted

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“He is trying to give me a message.” Says Unita Wildness, local psychic in Palma De Mallorca, and certifiable member of the United Federation Of Ghost Botherers. In an exclusive to The General Alarm, we boarded a large sailing yacht in the Palma harbour to attend an initial assessment of the vessel. The object of this survey was to determine if they did indeed have a ghost infestation. “It’s hard to make out what he’s saying.” Unita continued, staring deep into the the black water tank through an open access hatch. “He’s wearing a balaclava. And hip-waders. Oh my. I believe he just flipped me the bird.”

Ms. Wildness is a self-proclaimed expert in ghosts on ships, and has started a moderately unsuccessful company in Mallorca known as ‘Lux Haunts’ whose tagline is “Not just the living like the good life”. She explains that most of the ghosts she encounters are UHNWEI (Ultra High Net Worth Expired Individuals), though says that she has encountered former crew from the vessels as well, returned to spend eternity in the same way they did their working lives; moaning.

An informal survey revealed that the majority of yacht crew (79%) admit to having experienced a ‘creepy’ feeling on late night walk-arounds. A similar number say they have found doors in the guest areas locked when no guests were onboard, and heard knocking and banging noises coming from behind these doors. The next day rumpled sheets were often discovered abandoned in the laundry room or sometimes still on the guest bunks where the poltergeist had left them.

“And if that isn’t evidence enough for the naysayers, 98% of crew that I have spoken to admit that they have woken in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and needing the loo. This most often seems to happen early on a Saturday morning which directly correlates with the common ghost habit of saving it for the weekend.” Says Ms. Wildness, nodding conclusively.

While this reporter reserved the right to be suspicious, our site-survey of this particular yacht did take an unexpected twist when we interviewed the Chief Engineer. In a quiet corner of the engine room he made the startling confession that he was, in fact, a ghost.

“7 years ago while working in the bilges I fell and broke my neck. It was a long weekend and no one missed me for a few days which gave me time to reappear as a manifestation of myself, having visited and been turned away from a happy afterlife. With not much else to do I simply carried on working. I must say it is very convenient being a ghost. I used to have to go up a deck and aft to get to the steering gear, now I simply walk through the bulkhead. But it is lonely.” And here Unita reached out and patted him one inch above his shoulder.

“It is something I see all too often.” Said Ms. Wildness afterwards, joining this reporter on the dock where this reporter had rapidly adjourned to. “Owners, and indeed crew, have often had their best and worst times onboard these boats. These memories and psychic events prove powerful magnets when their souls are released into the buffeting winds of eternal damnation. So they migrate back. And use the sheets.”

Interestingly, and perhaps revealing of why her company has struggled thus far, ‘Lux Haunts’ offers no guarantee of excising the spooks from a particular vessel. “Generally all I can do is confirm that a yacht is indeed haunted. Occasionally I can move crew, but only to another boat with better conditions, which is obviously problematic. The owners and guests? Forget about it. You couldn’t tell them what to do when they were alive, what makes you think you can push them around when they’re dead?”

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