Jack Johnson Becomes First Inductee To Yachting Music Hall Of Fame. Acceptance Speech Left On Continuous Repeat Forever


In a high-stakes, high-tension event, a select few yacht industry representatives gathered in Ft. Lauderdale recently to cast their votes for the inaugural inductee to the Yachting Music Hall Of Fame, better known by its cryptic acronym LAME.

On a warm evening just before sunset the trustees of the newly christened institution were treated to drinks and canapés on the aft deck of a 49.99999 meter motor yacht. As the dulcet tones of past-it’s-relevance music washed over the judges sunburnt ears, the nominees received a final listen-to before votes were cast and the prize awarded.

Bob Marley continued to confuse a number of middle-aged white people into thinking that without a female you will not weep. Jimmy Buffet made everyone hungry, which is weird for music, with Cheeseburger in Paradise. And T-Pain nearly brought the deckheads down when his smash hit of only five years ago, ‘I’m on a boat’, hit the teak. But as soon as ‘Bah da da da dah da dahhh’ cut through the ambience of clinking crystal and high-pitched laughter, it was clear that Jack Johnson was the sure bet to be the first official member-for-life of LAME.

Along with his induction Mr. Johnson will receive a plaque honouring his contribution of once-ok music that became a form of torture to yacht crew forced to listen to it repeat endlessly in empty guest areas until they hated it almost as much as they hated themselves for quietly singing along.

Reached for comment by The General Alarm, Jack expressed surprise that such an award existed, and said that as a surfer and native of Hawaii he was heartened to hear that his music received such wide appreciation on the water. “Y’know, when I made those albums I really just wanted to create music that people would put on when they totally didn’t want to offend anyone at all. I wanted people to say ‘Hey, I’ve got no idea what these folks like, so let’s just put on a bit of Jack Johnson and leave it on repeat’. By being given this award I guess it’s clear I succeeded. Its as simple as something that nobody knows, really.”

Even as the applause for Jack echoed over and over and over and over and over across the aft deck, lobbying began for next year’s competition. Tom Jones personally appeared and  compared tans (favourably) with all attendees while smiling, singing and threatening a ‘sex bombing’. ‘My Humps’ by the Black-Eyed Peas sent the host vessel’s crew scurrying for cover as lumps were thrown about in a manner most lovely. And the party wrapped up with a rousing, 12 minute remix of the classic Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’, in which he held the ‘ayyyyy’ note for 11.5 minutes. This last track of the night left many of the attendees rubbing their ears in appreciation, giving it the early edge for 2015’s selection.

Watch this space for next year’s result. Do not listen.

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