Entirety Of World’s Problems Solved By Yacht Crew While Eating Lunch

In a series of groundbreaking summits convened over a period of time known as ‘The Caribbean Season’, simple, effective solutions to all of the major issues plaguing humanity and the world in general have been found. As surprising as this announcement is in it’s own right, that these solutions were reached through casual debate by the crew members of a yacht, while meeting casually over lunch in the crew mess, is perhaps most surprising of all.

“It was easy once we got started.” Says Captain Reggie Forsythe, the man in charge of the high-stakes, low formality deliberations. “The news was up on the telly during lunch and we started talking about the events being reported. You know, just bouncing ideas around and challenging each other’s opinions. While none of us has any idea what we’re talking about, we quickly realized that we were able to cut right to the heart of complicated and nuanced problems just by using stereotypes and gross generalizations. Before lunch was over we had arrived at working solutions to a lot of problems that are supposedly difficult.”

When asked for examples, Capt. Forsythe provided the following:

“That missing Malaysian airways flight? Clearly they needed better equipment and should offer a substantial reward. If you put up enough money then every fisherman on earth will be down there with their echo sounders looking for unusual debris on the bottom. Shit, if those guys can still find fish to catch in these oceans then they can definitely find a plane. Then in terms of this business of migrants from Africa swamping Europe, it’s easy. Just don’t allow anyone from Africa a visa or status in Europe until it stops. They won’t come if they know there is no chance of being allowed to stay. And as for protecting our various homelands from Muslim extremists; just display caricatures of the prophet Mohammed at all border entry points to Western nations. If anyone gets visibly agitated about that, give them a one-way ticket back to where they came from. Job done.”

At first blush these solutions seem overly simplistic at best, and – in the case of the latter two – completely unrealistic with racist overtones. But Captain Forsythe was quick to set the record straight by unequivocally stating, “I’m no racist. I’m just a realist.” So that settles that.

As far as these straightforward solves being far too simple to actually be applicable, there are signs that the world of global diplomacy is ready for just such direct action, even if it is informed only by one biased news channel playing repeatedly in an unending loop on a television in the crew mess of a yacht.

“We’ve tried consensus building, we’ve tried in-depth studies and protracted conventions in an attempt to solve intractable problems.” Says John Kerry, Secretary of State for the United States. “And it isn’t working. Extremism continues to grow, ill-equipped boats full of hopeful migrants continue to sink in the Mediterranean sea, and we have no idea where flight MH370 ended up. Why not try the ideas these guys came up with over lunch? I don’t really know what a yacht crew do per se, or what their qualifications are for tackling geopolitical issues, but the fact that they seem pretty sure of themselves is good enough for me.”

Reached for further comment Captain Forsythe said he and his crew were enthusiastic about helping world powers. With a busy charter schedule coming up in the next few months he added that while he couldn’t promise that they would be able to resolve more than one or two historic problems per day, that being said, “We can always find time to throw our opinions around like they matter.”

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