Every Problem On Every Yacht Caused By One Thing

Alfred Hitchcock taken by Gjon Mili, 1942

An in-depth survey of yacht crew has confirmed that there is one single thing responsible for every single problem on all boats: The previous crew.

“I’ve been master of over a dozen yachts, and every time it has become clear within five minutes of joining that the captain before me was worse than useless and the entire operation would have been better run by the goldfish now floating belly-up in a dirty tank in the crew mess.” Says Steve Adore, a 30-year veteran of the business. “Accounts in disarray, maintenance not being done on the machinery, crew acting like baboons from broken homes. In a word; chaos. Even when the last captain they had was me.”

The survey, which interviewed nearly 4 people over the course of 2 minutes, allowed respondents the chance to give an example of something they had to fix because the person who held the job before them had left it in ruin. The examples they gave provide a veritable roll-call of the endemic issues in the industry today.

“The uniform sucked to a level that it actually lowered your self esteem just to look at it; and had been ordered in such large quantities that we could have clad every bellhop in New York in it and still had mountains left. Horrible, scratchy mountains that don’t fit anywhere.’ Reported a chief stewardess on a large sailing yacht.

‘Engines need oil like a sailor needs rum. And everyone other than Captain Ron, and the dingbat who used to be the chief on here knows why. I honestly don’t know what the guy did with all the time he must have had leftover from not doing his job. There are only 13 seasons of ‘Family Guy’.” Railed a Chief Engineer on a moderately sized motor yacht.

“All of the main saloon windows are scratched. It looks like Wolverine worked here. I don’t know what the bosun before me used to squeegee glass but my best guess would be a rock taped to a board. And the varnish. Oh the varnish. If it were my boat I would sell it and donate the money to the families of the people who did the brightwork, as they clearly have suffered greatly.” Cried out a bosun, bereft of all hope.

“The first 12 things I said upon joining my last vessel as master were, ‘You’re fired.’ The boat only carries three crew, but I was a little excited and wanted to be extra clear with each of them. I then commenced with tallying a list of everything that had been done wrong by the previous crew and was still working on it when I too was relieved of my position.” Stated the former captain of a small yacht, now back in the job hunt.

A common sentiment amongst our respondents was that identifying the source of the problem was only the majority of the battle. As one crewmember explained, “Knowing whose fault it is does put most of my concerns to rest. My main objective in these situation is to make it absolutely clear that I didn’t do it. I only turn to solving the problem once that is acknowledged a number of times by everyone involved. Then, if there is any time left over, I try to solve it.” Asked if he didn’t think this was a somewhat skewed approach the respondent thought for a moment before replying, “Whats the point of fixing something that everyone thinks you broke? Much better to make very sure that everyone knows it wasn’t you. Then if you do fix it you’re the good guy, and even if you don’t, at least you’re not the bad guy.”

2 thoughts on “Every Problem On Every Yacht Caused By One Thing

  1. I was fired by a pissed, possibly even coked up owner after 2hrs of trying to keep HIS vessel SAFE and away from others in a 69kph squall with a jammed anchor chain. I was late picking him up so in a tirade of abuse and subsequent lies and accusations of alcohol abuse. I have decided to retire.hope you all have great owners. They ARE ,”THE ONLY FLY IN THE OINTMENT”


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