Sea Time Gained Onboard Yachts To Be Recognized By The Marriott


In a reversal of their previous position that experience gained on yachts is absolutely useless, the Marriott chain of Overpriced Airport Hotels & Resorts You Only Go To Because They Take Your Air Miles has agreed that henceforward they will be glad to accept all such sea time. The CEO of the chain, Mr. Rogers, explains:

“The culture of opinion here at the Marriott chain of OAH & RYOGTBTTYAM has long been, what exactly do yacht crew do anyway? I mean, does anyone know? What the hell is a yacht? Who the hell cares? But this summer that all changed when I used a tiny fraction of my bonus from last year to charter one of these things. And man were my eyes opened. I saw firsthand that these crew have no union, expectation of any form of comprehensive medical coverage, or idea that perhaps their employer should be contributing to a pension fund on their behalf. In addition to that they seem happy to work insane hours doing menial tasks, and I must say look pretty damn good doing it. So let me tell you I took one look at this and I said, ‘We need these people slaving er, I mean working, for us!”

Mr. Rogers quickly moved on to point out the expected efficiencies of task-overlap to be gained by intermingling the two industries. “Obviously the interior crew will make fantastic servers and room attendants. Tender drivers? Airport shuttle runs. Engineers? We have many fantastic opportunities in the janitorial and groundskeeping department.” Here he pauses to mention that he has been made aware that marine engineers already take a course called ‘Advanced Hotel Services’. “It’s like they were made for us.”

The coup de grass for Mr. Rogers, and where he gets so animated he has to remove his tie and take a quick break for a club sandwich extra mayo, is when he discusses the Marriott’s in-house accreditation system for general managers.

“By complete coincidence, I shit you not, we have in place a system by which our general managers are promoted according to how many rooms in the hotel they’re deemed competent to manage. We start at 200 rooms, progress to 500, then 3000, and, for the rare gifted few; unlimited rooms under their control. I think you know where I’m going with this. Yes. Correct. The MCA Master of Yachts system is directly modelled after our own! It’s almost too good to be true. The cross-over couldn’t be any easier. These guys are going to love working at the airport. Many of them pretty much live there already anyway.”

The interview ended as Mr. Rogers executive team entered the board room in which we were seated, high-fiving and back-slapping each other as they arrived.

“Is it done?” Mr. Rogers asked, wiping his chins having finished his samwich.

“It sure is Don. Fired ’em all, told them we found replacements.” Here the laughter bubbles up in the chest of the burly exec. “Offshore!” He guffaws and the room erupts into booming chuckles. Mr. Rogers turns and explains that he was so excited about the possibility of importing yacht crew that he authorized the firing of all senior managers and janitorial workers, nationwide, that very afternoon. “I know, it’s a little hasty, but the thought of all of those non-union workers just waiting to not fucking complain got me so excited I couldn’t help myself. The potential here is truly astounding. I only wish I’d thought of this before. What could possibly go wrong.” Here he levels off for a second and his focus seems to latch on to the top of a building in the distance. A building with a large flagpole mounted to its peak. A flagpole with a large flag bearing the stars and strips. His brows furrow and his mouth slowly opens. “Hey. Hey. They’re all allowed to work in the U.S. right?”

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