By 2030 the largest vessel on earth may be a motor yacht if current growth trends – and the casting aside of any form of taste – continue.
This prediction was reached by The General Alarm through mining the historical record of ten years ago, when some boat named Rising Sun was considered the largest yacht at 138m; then taking the difference in length between this and the soon-to-be-launched Triple Deuce (222m) and multiplying it by a complicated factor of bad taste and irascible hubris. Which arrives us at a 500m pleasure vessel.
With results as eye-catching as these being spat out by the models our investigative team ran the numbers deep into the night and both times arrived at the same conclusion: People are ridiculous.
Perhaps most striking about this projected size of yacht being a probability by the end of the next decade is that there have only ever been 8 vessels constructed over 400m. Of these 7 were oil tankers that have since been decommissioned and broken up to create another planet in the future. According to Baronness, head of media relations for Cobra – the parent company to Exxon, Shell, and BP – the main reason these vessels weren’t kept on the water was simple. “We got tired of people making fun of us.”
When the flat growth curve of commercial vessels is compared with the rapidly rising erection of large yachts, a point is reached in the near future where the largest vessel on the water will be a yacht. In naval architecture circles this predicted juncture is referred to as Delta O. Rumour has it this stands for Obscene. Facts are few on the ground.
“The critical design challenge in constructing a yacht of that size will be the same as it is with every large yacht; namely: How do we make it not look like a giant white turd of excess. Or a blue one. Or any kind of turd really.” Says Patrice De Regle, the only person who would talk to us about this who knows what a yacht is and has a knowledgeable sounding name. “And such a large turd is a very hard thing to hide indeed. Especially when you are trying to show it off.”
Excrement-emulation difficulties aside, there will be other issues with this vessel we dreamed up and are now wasting your time discussing. Among them: How would you locate the bathroom? Where will you find a captain with hands large enough to drive it? And; What ports will possibly be able to accommodate such a thing. Cursory research to the last question reveals there is currently only one place in the world that this potential behemoth could visit; Galveston, Texas. Raising serious concerns – and hope – that perhaps it just won’t be worth it.