If yachting were a board game it would be monopoly; minus the board, the pieces and the rules. It would be that special edition that is sold in Harrods in which everyone loses but has a great time and no one wins.
Why is that? Because coffee and Advil.
‘I start every day with two of each and go from there.’ Says 2nd engineer Guy Wacket. ‘And an egg sammy. Extra mayo with the bacon nice and crispy and the egg runny enough to soak into the bun a bit but not so runny it gets on my hand. This is making me very hungry. I could probably eat the ass off a low-flying duck. I am that peckish.’
That was the end of that interview but the point was made: yacht crew suffer from very sore heads in the morning. Though no one seems able to remember the reason for this, studies do show that this discomfort tends to carry on through the day and – if left untreated – result in a very sore to extremely bloody sore head in the latter hours of the day.
Whilst accurate estimates on the total annual cost of supplying caffeine and branded ibuprofen to yacht crew are difficult to make, one man is prepared to take a stab at it.
‘$182 million. Per year. $182.5 million in a leap year.’ Says Reginald Tottle, head accountant at Beans and Counting Accounting CPA. ‘I actually don’t know anything about yachts but I don’t need to. That figure is reached by simply multiplying the number of global yacht crew by ‘x’, with ‘x’ representing the average cost of 3 Illy coffees and one Nespresso capsule per crewmember per day, and a handful of Advils taken at regular periods of time not greater than 4 hours and not less than 2. With one fitful rest period of 4 hours included in the calculation.’
Though that cost remains dwarfed by such yachting expense stalwarts as blue tape ($355 million per annum) and laminating pouches (somewhere in the billions), they do make for a outlay equal to one brand new 100m motor yacht made each and every year, simply to supply coffee and over-the-counter painkillers. If loose lips sink ships, something equally catchy about crew and coffee breaks budgets.
Editor’s Note: Any resemblance between this article and actual facts is purely unintentional.
Editor’s Other Note: Yacht crew are great value. As is coffee.