Risk Assessment Of Water Slides On Yachts Reveals: They Suck

Clearly it has gone too far. At a recent boat shows water slides were spotted on: Sailing yachts; tenders (both large and small); on the backs of deckhands who wore them like rucksacks and simply squatted on the swim platform to let people climb up their face whenever anyone wanted a slide. Which was never.

Why? Because water slides suck. The only thing that sucks more than a water slide is setting up a water slide. On a windy day, at anchor, with a guy telling you the whole time how much water slides suck. Recent studies of a number of onboard installations revealed they take an average of at least 1-2 charters to set up.

In addition to their complete lack of utility and any possibility of having fun, they are notoriously hard to maintain. Why? “Stabbings.” Says Wayne Waine, deckhand and head of erections for a large motor yacht. “We carry a number of repair patches with us, but in a multiple stabbing situation we often simply run out of field dressings. You’ve got a lot of angry men with knives on their belts and a hated object with a thin membrane and no way of defending itself. Things tend to blow up pretty quick. Or not, you know?”

A study conducted by The General Alarm found that 100% of yacht crew think waterslides suck a dick. But conversely (and a possible indicator of why they can still be found onboard) 100% of yacht brokers think they are fan-fucking-tastic.

“What’s not to like?” Asks Bob Brokaw, lead brokaw for Kryptonite Yachts. “They look like shit, they take crew away from important tasks while they’re being set up, they can be dangerous to have out if the weather turns, and to the best of my knowledge no one has ever actually entered the water via one in the history of seafaring. And the guests love them!”

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