Requirement For All Vessels To Have Loud-As-Hell Bridge Alarm No One Can Find About To Come Into Force


There are 10 days of sanity left on the bridges of all vessels worldwide everywhere. Starting Feb. 1 it will be a required carriage requirement that every bridge have installed an alarm that seems to be coming from everywhere, is loud as hell, intermittent, and cannot be located much less turned off. In addition the unit making the alarm will have to be supplied with a redundant power-supply capable of sustaining skull-penetrating volumes for a duration of not-less than the rest of your life (>Your Life).

“The reason for this is simple,” Says IMO (International Maritime Organization) spokesperson John Knoxville. “We like fucking with people.”

Reaction in the maritime industry has been one of resignation and large-scale purchasing of noise-cancelling headphones, the latter measure in particular leading to concerns that this new requirement will cause more trouble than good.

“I just can’t see what the point is.” Says Chief Officer Oscar De Lay Hoya, second-in-command of the passenger vessel MGM Grand. “We already have alarms coming from everywhere, most of which sound like they were designed by the KGB to convince you to tell them where you hid the microfiche. Why make distracting people who are trying to drive boats the size of shopping malls a requirement?”

Reached for further comment Knoxville reiterated the IMO’s position, saying it really wasn’t intended to make sense.

“Seafarers shouldn’t spend too much time trying to understand this. That’s not what this requirement is designed for. Just buy the electronics at inflated prices because they’re now mandatory, install them in a place no one will never be able to reach, and let it slowly drive you mad . That’s really all we’re asking anyone to do. They have 10 days left.” His last coherent statement before breaking off into uncontrolled laughter.

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