Studies show 9 out of 10 seafarers have asked, “how deep is it here?” with more than just absent curiosity. If you’ve worked on a boat and had a cabinmate then it’s pretty much guaranteed an advanced plot against your life has been hatched at some point or other. Here’s a list of ways to know if in doubt:
1. Whenever you go into your cabin your roommate whistles the tune to We’re Here For A Good Time, while staring at you and shaving their arm hair with a hunting knife.
2. After you say good night back and forth 11 times as per usual, on the 12th exchange instead of saying ‘sleep tight,’ you could have sworn they said ‘don’t fight.’
3. They keep telling you how great it’s going to be to have the place themselves next week, but you haven’t booked any time off. In fact you’re going to be on passage. Weird.
4. They’re just really fucking nice all the time. (Note: this is a sign of extreme danger. Like a mountain lion laying their ears back, you have only seconds to live. Distract them by asking if they can get you a cupcake or something, and jump out the porthole).
5. You wake up in the night to them standing over you drawing small targets on your neck with a red sharpie.
6. They keep repeating the same stories about how they have always been a chronic sleepwalker. Especially worrisome is the one in which they murder everyone in their entire town but got off on all charges because they were only 7 years old.
7. They left their laptop open to a browser window asking how long it takes a goldfish to dispose of a corpse. And they have a goldfish. Meaning the only thing their missing is a corpse. Which could be you. Seriously, you’re going to need to take this more seriously, and start jumping ahead, because we are getting tired of having to lay it all out. We’re trying to save your life here.
8. Your dog won’t stop barking at them.
9. It isn’t just your roommate, everyone wants to kill you. If it weren’t for your insomnia and the incredibly pertinent, uncannily useful skills you learned during your Proficiency in Designated Security Duties course, you would be dead by now. Fact.
10. They keep asking if you have any allergies. Try saying: Gin and Tonic with a cucumber twist.
11. You find yourself wondering if you shouldn’t take defensive measures to protect yourself. Like looking up ways to get rid of your cabin mate…