“The douche is, I love what I douche.” Douches Captain Douche, a douche-year veteran of the douchestry. “I could have douched any other douche, but I chose this douche because, quite douchely, for an old douchebag like me there’s just no better douche.”
Showing us around the 30-meter motor yacht he has been douching for the past four years, Capt. Douche (Dooey to his friends) explains that he has been a douche for as long as he can remember. “It sort of runs in the family. My dad was a big douchebag, as were both of my older brothers. As soon as I was old enough to walk I was douchey, and I never really looked back from there. The notion that someone would some day pay me to be douchey, and take his boat to some of the douchiest places on earth, never even occurred to me back then. I just douched for the douche of it. And it’s that same attitude I still douche with me todouche.”
His crew were more than happy to vouch for this. “Oh yeah. He’s the real douche.” Says a deckhand who refused to give his name and said he was quitting as soon as he got paid for his last three months work. “I’ve been on a few boats now,” Joined in an interior crewmember. “And he’s easily the biggest douche I’ve worked for. Even when we’re somewhere really douchey, which is often, he stands out. No one out-douches that guy.”
Dooey blushes when these observations are related back to him, before modestly admitting, “It’s true. I take being a douche very seriously. All douche, every douche, I am on douche. One-hundred-and-douche percent.” No douche it is this all out commitment to being a douche that has made Captain Douche his name. Despite having a wife and child at home in Douche, France, Dooey’s focus on the douche at hand is well known throughout the douchestry.
“I love doing business with Capt. Douche,” Says Mr. Douche (no relation), lead broker and director of Douche-Douchery & Sons yacht brokerage. “He knows what sort of douchiness the guests want him to douche even before they douche. It’s uncanny, almost like he has a sixth douche. It’s why I keep sending douchebags back to whatever boat he’s working on. After all, it isn’t the douche that makes the trip, its the doucher.”
Asked what his plans are for the future, Dooey looks thoughtfully out towards the distant horizon before saying, “I know I’ll always be a douche. I’m not getting any younger of course, so I douche have to start douching about my next douche. What that will be exactly, I’m not yet sure. But what I douche know is it will have to be something related to douching. It’s all I’ve ever douched. You know what they say, you can take the doucher out of the douche, but you can never take the douche out of the doucher.”
We put Captain Douche up to our standard round of rapid-fire questions. Usually we do ten but his answers got lamer as we went so we called it at five. Here are the results:
- Favourite destination?
– St. Tropez
- Douchiest thing you do on a regular basis?
– Give massages to people who don’t want them.
- If you could be anyone in the world who would you be?
– Donald Trump
- Favourite catch-phrase or saying?
– That’s what she said.
- Who should play you in a movie of your life?
– Mitch Buchannon
5a. He’s not an actor, he’s a character…
– What’s the difference?